Smallness

Some recent developments (this is what happens when you spend your nights scouring the web for "Baby Einstein" music for your 4 month old cousin and Pavarotti's Best Of Collection for your Grandpa. After listening to them, I can now belt Caruso in my sleep).

I've made an astounding revelation..

Life in LA, well at my school at least, runs pretty much parallel to life in China. There are so many Asians. For all you non-Asians, take a walk in my shoes please. You feel so small, and part of something so massive, that you're squeezing your face through cracks in the crowds for a breath of fresh air. You feel so unoriginal, so fake, so unmotivated to stand out, cuz anything that you want to do, has been done, and everything you want to get, has been gotten. When I leave a home (that's what I call a place I've adapted to with people I care dearly about), it seems like the only thing to do is fear for the transition into a different reality, and make unfair comparisons.

Every time I take a break for the summer, I have to reevaluate life. It's just natural for me, to separate myself from the social me, and just find myself again. Sometimes I get so lost trying to be what others want me to be, I forget how great it was just to be who I was all along.

It's so cliche, I know. But I just wanted it be out there. I'm not just another girl. I feel degraded when people stare at me like a piece of meat, (not flattered or "so hot" like the Wonder Girls). No, that's not me. I'm not just another Asian who's good at math.

1. First of all, I'm Asian, I look, speak, and listen to Chinese, I was raised Canadian, but if it's not my daily way of life, don't go around talking about my culture, or heritage, or ancestors as if you're in my effing boat. I don't ask you why you have a mole in your armpit, don't ask me why I have freckles, I just do. So suck it. I'll gladly discuss more pertinent information than my skin color...like cars for example..I love Bugattis.
2. Second, I hate math, I suck at it, I've only loved three things with all my heart in my life: music, biology (just ask my family of doctors), and writing. And currently I'm not making the most of any of my talents or passions. I'm not stick-skinny. I won't ever be, I hope to God. From my grandma, I've learned being healthy trumps all. You can't be happy if you're not healthy.
   

I'm not just who I appear. I'm so much more. But it's a shame, you don't take the time to look twice, and see past the pained grin and forced giggle.

I often think about failure before I even make a plan of action. The neurotic perfectionist inside of me has stopped me from doing so many things that would have I been successful at, and as a child I wasn't this scared. Growing up has not only humbled me, it's debilitated me, making me second guess everything. And I think it's time I've let go...and be 10 again.

On my nice 14 hour flight back to LA, these are things I'm not going to think about, talk about, or dream about. I'm just going to live it. Cuz pulling another Grey's quote out of my @$$.."life's not supposed to be this hard."