After a tireless night of watching a new Shinee music video (EEEKKK!!!) and their NEW reality show episodes, I felt empty (no more singing, dancing, Asian stars to fill the void). Disclaimer: I don't expect you to understand but I'll kindly explain: Shinee, a Korean boy band sensation ages 15-17?, go on dates with slightly older women and the featured girl picks a winner to go on a longer date with. It's hilarious, slightly pedophilic in an innocent, childish way, the girls are only a few years older..haha like me..I should be on that show!!
Last night I couldn't fall asleep. *Sigh*. What's new. But I had this insatiable urge to get a Sprinkles cupcake at that very moment, and my stomach churned just thinking about waiting in that ridiculous line of white collared baby-boomers and LA hipsters, entering that cramped, minimalistic themed establishment, finally getting in the door, ordering 4 red velvets, getting that cute little cardboard box, and at last, digging into that "diabetes in a cup" with my little wooden spoon. I could have traversed continents to get there, I just had to have that soft cream-cheesy delight. So I spent the hours from 5am-8am planning my itinerary for getting to Beverly Hills with no form of reliable transportation. I even considered walking the 55 minutes it takes according to Google Maps. I researched Metro and Big Blue routes with no avail. I charted a way to get there by transferring 2 buses and walking an additional 20 minutes to get to the door. Why isn't there a Sprinkles/Beverly Hills shuttle that takes me directly there? What happened to supply meeting demand!?! So maybe I got a little obsessed. But considering my sanity was being punched in the nuts by my hunger, I was a cupcake fiend.
Then I thought of a brand new idea. Ding!
I looked up other cupcake shops in the entire 5 mile radius of my residence, the bus routes, and even called Big Blue to complain about the 50 cent increase which would mean an ADDITIONAL DOLLAR spent on my cupcake run. Nooooooooo. Unacceptable! Then, I found La Provence Cafe (supposedly the best Red Velvet in LA according to many Yelpers). Only a 10 minute bus ride and a 1 minute walk from there!!! PERFECTION! So with that settled, I went on to consider the other parts of my life, bodily imperfections, and things I was lacking. like a piano keyboard for example. I went on to research hundreds of models, price comparisons, sustain pedals, stands, chairs, THE WORKS. It was like planning a wedding but WORSE, cuz.....
I didn't even end up buying anything. And eventually fell asleep at 8:00am with 13 different tabs on piano sheet music open in my browser.
End of my insomniatic retardation. Hallucinations of changing my life often occur at these times. Sometimes it's when I have the most unexpected, creative epiphanies, but most of the time, I become paranoid about everything in the world, even genocide and AIDS in Africa, as if the world is about to collapse the next day.
Sooo, waking up 5 hours later, I decided I was insane and didn't pursue my foodie fantasy. But I did go to the library! And I got this to show for it...
It takes a lot for me to say "I like you so much, I think I'll read your biography."
But that's also why you're reading my blahg. hehe :D
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sleepless Nights of Red Velvet Cake
Thursday, September 4, 2008
This is me - Not "Camp Rock"-style
If you really want to read this, adjust your screen font type aka press Ctrl and "+". Here goes another random stream of consciousness blahg post.
If reading this seems like a tedious, pointless waste them skip to the bottom where you can view the results of my current nerd phase.
I've made my share of mistakes, but experience has taught me to turn all these regrets into empowerment for my future endeavors. We live and we learn, right? But is this just talk and not action? I think so. I'm just as fragile as the starry-eyed 9 year old girl I was ten years ago.
So sideways, I'll run to that shining beacon in the distance, I'll fall on the floor, get trampled on, but I'll get up, trudge on blindly, and unleash a healthy can of whoopass on anyone who tries to stop me...What in the world? Who does this? Superwoman? A deaf and dumb dimwit with a juicy steak as his guiding light?
Some authoritative article told me that the top entrepreneurs with the highest salary had a 1.9 GPA average in college, I call that wasting your education..aka dimwitted...and yet each of them gets his juicy steak. And yet, a hardworking girl whose self-respect is deteriorating from the lack of respect given to her, is heading toward a path of destruction.
Respect is not earned, nor should it be expected, it's a conditional, frictional, sonuva-b, that keeps me in a cycle of defensiveness, the superficially thickened exterior duking it out with my traditional principle of "saving face".
People can respect you on certain terms, that change, all the frickin time. I can't live for other people, but I need to feel respected or maybe in a way..."accepted". Ew, I digress, this is not high school "pubescent angst".
I'd like to think I'll stay happy, I'll stay young, but I can't stop change. It's undeniable. The inevitabilities of the world, the elevated awareness that follows me everywhere I go, is like a ball-and-chain, slowly draining me of optimism, keeping me from exerting my full potential.
I'm not always Plath-like, or emo (for lack of a better word)...looking at old pictures made me realize how quickly I've changed, but no change has stayed permanent, and it seems more like I've been assuming roles that didn't suit me, but I so wanted to be that person, thinking once I put on the chicken costume, I'll find my true happiness.
No, instead, I just felt silly, awkward, as if I was living in someone else's skin. And when someone criticized me in those moments, it was an frustrating out of body experience. I could not explain myself, cuz I couldn't recite anything beyond the cliche that I had rehearsed as part of the "act".
Folk music is now my sweet remedy. It takes me back to the past when things were simple, and makes me believe I am in my own skin, that I know myself better than the next person.
But take out the earphones, and I'm mad. Mad at the criticisms I didn't deserve, because frankly, I didn't learn to be a better person from these people. I learned to loathe and harness ill will for people who killed my pride and for things I couldn't control. Suddenly the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is my reality.
Maybe it's easy for you to forget, "not care" or "be strong", but frankly that's the benefit of being naturally ignorant, you roll with the punches, you swallow thumbtacks with a smile, you're almost born without emotional nerve endings, but I have too many of those and I'd gladly donate a few to you. Like I've told my grandpa, when he lectures me on the very opposite of survival tactics in Western society: I'd rather be blind. It's better to see the world through cloudy lenses where everything is hazy and glorified, than to live with the painful disappointment of clarity. Blissful ignorance is the key to happiness...and life.
Thus, I've made my point... in the form of a circle, or rather an infinite black hole, however you want to look at it. I'm aware...I make things more complicated than they have to be.
Astigmatism sounds like a venereal disease.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Olympics
It's no joke. I'm currently running a marathon, called the 2 day Soviet-American Relations Essay. Fueled by my good friend Haagen-Dazs, I'm in the last leg of the race. But now I stop my zombie-like research prose for a drink of fresh water...some good ol' creative rambling.
Poetry, it's my therapy, it's my disease. So whatever you think of it please keep it to yourself, I don't need a diagnosis, unless you really REALLLLY like it, then please do..go on :)
A winged needle
Swept into a fury
Blazing at incalculable speeds,
Superhuman,
but your heart beat sounds like mine.
So dwarved by expectation,
I never stop to think
I could unfurl those hidden wings.
That was my 30 second blahg...meaning it's blah, but so be it.
GOOOO Team USA!! GOOOO CHINA, those divers are unmatched i.e. guo jingjing! GOOOO where are you..Canada?
good night and good blogging.
Fiona
Friday, July 18, 2008
Resolutions
Who says resolutions are only for January firsts? No, I say. I'm making one today: Shorter posts. Cuz one can only rant for so long.
What I am doing right now: Watching Grey's Anatomy at 5AM. All nighter with some deep thinking and Grape-flavored Mentos.
Hold that thought...realization: I want to become a physician/pediatrician. Can old dreams really be rekindled? Can I be who I was meant to be? Rgg. Listening to Pavarotti and Yo-Yo Ma has really put me in fatalist mindset. 120g of Mentos eating away at my teeth...time to brush.
