A Post-Grad return to journaling..

Let's see how long I can keep this up...

This morning I dreamed that a certain boy was sucking the life out of me vampire-style (no Twilight reference intended) as I was trying to make a speech in an election for class president. Don't ask me why.. I have absolutely no clue what Freudian insight this is supposed to impart. I woke up just as I was feeling weak and going unconscious....smeared makeup, hair in a tangled mess, wearing the sames clothes from the previous morning, in a bed not my own. I was welcomed by the light peeking in from the crack of a window in a fraternity house...

No, it's not what you're thinking. My friend and I had returned from a crazy weekend in Vegas at 2 in the morning in a van that could only be described affectionately as a rape-mobile. It's a wonder how the Nevada-California border patrol didn't immediately detain us.

Stumbling out of bed in a disoriented stupor, I rushed to call my mom to get me out of there. I needed to get myself cleaned up in a bathroom that actually had necessary toiletries such as toilet paper...and a working stall door. After 5 minutes of convincing her it was me and that I hadn't turned into a man (my voice was hoarser than chain-smoker's), she was on her way...

I've been living out of a duffle bag and Forever 21 shopping bags since graduation, crashing at friends' dorms, apartments, and even frat houses, wasting my days away. Or rather, living it up before i must fill myself with every ounce of anxiety in order label and categorize myself into a career that I'm not at all ready for. The fear of finding one rather than not finding one weighs down on me so heavily, that even though I actively seek all the ideas and inspiration that propel me towards a goal, every time, a sudden flood of inhibitions puts me into paralysis. And instead of following through with a long-awaited and well-researched route, I just mask it with layers upon layers of frivolous plans that quickly but only temporarily soothe the tension that's about to burst out of my body.

It's time for a change. And if anything's going to kick that into gear, it's got to be a fortune cookie. My mom drove me back from LA and we made a quick stop at Panda Express. Before this, we stopped by the doctor's, where I waited hours for my mom to get her thyroid tumor checked out. My body had been parked in the same position the whole time, allowing me ample time to finish all the issues of WebMD for the year 2010. I'm sorry if you don't recognize sarcasm...the following is not meant in the same tone however. The huge lump on her throat has gotten so big, I don't even know how she can swallow her food. She's so afraid, but the only way I know to how help is by telling her it's not a big deal, even making surgery sound like is "all in a day's work." All the waiting and useless test results were soon forgotten as I dug into a hearty 2-entree meal complete with orange chicken and (for once) well-made broccoli and beef. I cracked opened my fortune cookie, the best part of every trip to Panda, and I was shocked to see the message: "You will use every ounce of effort to fearlessly achieve your goals." I know I will, but without asserting it, the self-motivation often gets overtaken by surrounding influences...just until that hopeful spark in a good friend or a fortune cookie (in this case) taps me on the shoulder and quietly reminds me, "you can do it."

After this revelation, it was time for a trip to Target for a new SOFT pillow for me..oh and God knows how much I've needed one, since I've only been a side sleeper for only my whole life (I'm convinced that the reason why the right side of my jaw is slightly more angular is because my mother has always made me sleep on "firm" pillows, or in my opinion, pillow-shaped rocks).

I scarfed down another meal and a half when my dad came back from work. Nothing too extraordinary there. I'm about to end the day on a note that is peaceful, and not as convoluted as my mind tends to work. I put on some "Stroll in Paris" music that I discovered at Tar-zhay, in hopes that sleep will quickly seize me from the introspection that I fear will soon take over. Life is often a distraction from myself. And I think that's where I get all the energy and lust to find and learn new things. I look for any way to fill the empty spaces where dangerous thoughts lurk, with new knowledge. Learning is an ongoing process...it doesn't stop at graduation. It doesn't stop even when you're 80 and you think you've seen it all. I hope everyone could remember that, and open their minds to ideas unlike their own. Our world would be so much more harmonious, colorful, and brilliant if people would learn to share more of their knowledge with each other and seek the same from others.

Tomorrow, I will be finally be unpacking all the luggage that has accumulated in the bottom floor guest room. My parents' nagging about it hasn't really helped the situation much either. It only makes me want to run to my friends' places for the week, as I've done for the past 2 weeks in a row. So...procrastination doesn't end after college?! Who'd've thought? It feels weird to officially settle into this new house, but I know I have to do it eventually. Ugh...

After some major spring cleaning, I'm going to check out the library, hardcore apply for jobs and internships (I'm going to pretend like it's finals week), and reward myself with a long walk on the beach (being a block away from the sea is one of the best perks of this new residence). And the day after, it will be rise and shine at 7:30am and drag myself to Compton for...Jury Duty, but I don't know which is worse, the location or the inflexible court mandate to perform this dreaded service.

Goodnight moon, goodnight friends, goodnight strang-- or rather, friends that I haven't met yet. Sleep well, and dream big.