A Future in Law?

Am I meant to be a political scientist?

I often find myself wandering the halls of the Political Science department thinking, what am I doing here? Being creepy? Diplomatic jargon doesn't suit my fancy, so what gives? Besides my ineptitude at keeping up with the debates, what can make me my major (the major that's supposedly breeds the most argumentative assholes of a generation)?

Maybe one more year will. As I have sadly missed the resume drops of my favorite companies, I might just have to linger around for that fourth year instead of graduating after this summer. I might need it to find myself, instead of finding who I want to be (a thankless futile task if you ask me).

I think about my future like it's this big monstrous toad that is staring at me, waiting for me to attack it and conquer it. But yet, at each swipe, it moves a little further out of reach.

A combination of remorse, fear, uncertainty piles up, and its times like these that I just want to hide from that toad, pretend like it's just a figment of my imagination (which it is, but that's for me to see).

I'm approaching the big 2-0. And it's a crazy prospect to be out of my teens and on to full-on adulthood. At the same time I see teenyboppers who dress too old for their age, and I think...that's me. I'm who they are trying to be, but I'm already there. It's as if the person finally fits the clothes. But all the while, I'm losing all sense of why I'm here, in college, working towards a goal that is fading out of sight.

And then, while I'm wading in these mudholes of self-pity, I get these bursts of superhuman motivation that force me to flaunt myself at recruiters, send out a billion resumes, and answer interview questions effortlessly.

That person...needs to show up now....

Or else I'm going to Africa.

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what's up doc?

Diverting from my tech, music, fashion buzz, I think it's time I get back on track, the path I had been following before the "real world" starting distracting me, and that means setting my sights on...becoming a doctor.

When "The Hills" came on I considered FIDM..couture, or how bout interior design?!.When I worked at KTLA, I thought, wow I could be an anchor or movie producer. But these entertainment avenues seem so unlikely, uncertain, and unfathomable as my ultimate goal. I don't know how much satisfaction I would get from selling advertisement time as a career, but I'm starting to feel how superficial and unrewarding emotionally these office jobs would be. The past two years seem to have been my experimental period; testing out the corporate waters and the political side of the world that had always been a nuisance to hear about in my household of antiwar, "politics is an evil game involving corrupt leaders" kinda people. But it has all led up to now..the point in my life, that I say "it's now or never". It's time to make a change, and do what I was meant to do, the goal that all the natural forces had driven me towards: my love for helping people in need (especially children), my love of the biological sciences, my mother's failed dream that was inspirational to my devotion to a higher success, reaching the potential that my father's family of China's number one doctors had hoped for me and bestowed their trust in me to carry on that philanthropic ideal. A doctor's path is long, strenuous, paved with sweat and blood and tears and sacrifice, but maybe that's all I need..something to live for.

and that means, not settling for being someone's assistant, or paper stapler. I didn't work this hard so far to throw it all away.

I thank God that I have parents that support me through all the terrible decisions I've made and let me fall on my own and pick myself up. I've found out I am stronger than I thought I could be, more mature and thoughtful, and I am willing to suffer for the present in order to achieve a brighter future. And that's something I'm looking forward to now that I'm retracing my steps.

Thank you Ye Ye, Nai Nai, thank you for always believing in me, teaching me what true satisfaction in life will feel like, what being a good person and living with honor is like.

Thank you Wai Gong, Wai Po, for being my surrogate parents, always subliminally giving me the facts of life, reassuring me of my humanity, encouraging me to be my best, and seeing the potential in me that I couldn't see myself.

Social pressures, all the negativity of competition, and doubt have hindered me up until now, but I have an indefatigable optimism on my side thanks to my father, and that has gotten him through immigrating to a completely foreign country, getting a PhD, completely changing industries, and becoming the most indispensible elite of Charles Schwab, and still he continues his entrepreneurial ambitions. Thank you Dad. People did always say I was made in your likeness.

always, *fighting*

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