Weekday Getaway

Hello.

So that last post took a serious turn into a matter that might not have relevance to anybody out there, but here is where I meant to dig into.

CAREER PATHS.

The outlook of fresh out of college undergrads aka moi is looking grimmer than grim. It's a frightening spectacle when all the GPAs, test scores, and paper resumes must seem identical to employers, and the only thing that's left to do is hire the most dimwitted of the bunch just because he/she is good at regurgitating. I am a free-thinker, mind you. I made some mistakes, and I learned. I took on too much to handle, and I learned. I fought to be where I am, and I have no regrets. Where did all that and my hard earned education go? Even worse, I don't just want to do what's "right." Following where the money goes like the IRS (aka the life of an i-banker). I want a job I like. My dream job. I want to NOT dread waking up to my 9 hour workday. I feel like it's not too much to ask.

So today, I began the planning.
GRE, Design/B-Schools in the Netherlands, United Nations apps, scouring Business Week for acceptance statistics and international rankings. I've broadened my outlook. And I could go anywhere. Do anything. I finally feel like I'm not trapped in LA, in this little image I've built of myself over the last 4 years, destined to work in a cubicle in a dwindling marketing department of a media company. I realized that may be the plausible thing expected of me, the safe route, the sensible thing to do. But when did I start thinking sensibly?? I'm an free-thinking idealist dammit and I AM WOMAN!

Moral of the story. I'm TAKING THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED. And the key is and always will be persistence. (I know it's cliche in that turtle in the hare story, but that turtle DID kick some major ass.)

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Can I Get A Witness

I'm officially 21. Old enough to drink in the U.S. Not old enough to know what I'm doing in this place called Earth. To begin, the other day something a friend said really got to me.

Everyone in this world is insignificant. And although we're all trying to find our significance and wield some amount of power over another, it's not why we're here. Being here, being born into this world, and being able to express ourselves through speech is not what makes us different from other animals. The real thing we do that truly differentiates us and makes us "human" is the force that drives us to make ourselves better, make each other better, and make the world a better place for future generations. As long as I have touched one person's life in some positive way, I have made a difference, and I am content in the honor of having "lived".

Now, this came from someone who doesn't believe in God. And me, I'm never one to argue over religious matters. I won't even bring up my stance on the matter or divulge my beliefs here. But it isn't about the God-fearing versus the God-less. Why would God, if there is one, want people to be divided and hate each other? It's senseless really, when all that energy could be directed towards improving the disease and poverty in developing countries. It just makes me really wonder what the fuck, mind my language, people who are in stable communities, healthy, and surrounded by families have to worry about? Nitpicking is what people do. Once you're in a good place in life, it's about getting even higher. Perfecting. Competing. Blaming. It's the closed-minded values instilled in our childhood that keeps us from seeing the BIG PICTURE and the opportunity for change.

Laws. There they are. They're just words on a paper. Signed by some stalwart, power-hungry, despot. These words aren't etched in stone or formed like million year old stalactites. Laws, people, things are fluid. And I'm sick being afraid to risk myself (or my pride) when I want to see some real change. It makes me want to work for the UN and get things accomplished because too many people don't understand why we should worry about the state of our country, or even more ridiculous, the welfare of another country. Droves of self-assuring believers don't realize that wars over religion are inherently POINTLESS. IGNORANCE is everywhere. And it's more a misunderstanding than a personality disorder of course, but someone needs to be the informant. Someone needs to stand in the line of fire in order for people to see the world can be saved, and that it is ONE WORLD, ONE PEOPLE. Not just one nation under God. It's about the good of the human race. Because, look out. Soon enough it's going to be 2012 and no higher being can save a race that doesn't deserve to be saved.

HAHA. I hope that scared you a little. Happy Halloween.

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"Post"card

9 mosquito bites, 30 Rock Seasons 1-3, and a bouncing baby boy in a country devoid of Facebook and Youtube.

Despite, omg-I-just-changed-your-diaper scenarios daily..this is the Happiest Place on Earth. And I realize why people say a life without love and people to share it with is a life unlived.

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University of Cambridge

The past 4 weeks have been one of the best times in my life. Only surpassed by those YAP summer camp days when we sang mmbop and made gimp keychains.

I have devoted half a summer to travel study at the University of Cambridge, Pembroke College and it has exceeded all my expectations. I love the hospitality, the people, the cozy community of young college students, the busy but not too crowded streets. The nightlife is awesome. I love the food (especially the Full English Breakfasts at Copper Kettle and my new obsession Nando's Peri-peri Chicken). I can't get over how weird it is that the past 4 weeks have flown by so quickly. Every memory documented, every meal documented, every British acquaintance captured in a Facebook album. Awkward model poses. I'm going to pick up scrapbooking when I get back just to make these memories last a little longer.

This trip has made me put things into a realist's perspective. Sometimes, when I went on family trips, it felt more like incarceration (long periods of time without human contact, with parents as guards to make sure I can't be free to do what I want to, lack of good food because parents are too cheap to buy a nice meal even for Christmas). When at one time I was debating politics in class, chatting with my grandpa (that's still the same), lazying the days away thinking about material things, succumbing to the L.A. lifestyle...in this place, at this moment in time, I'm content and free from paranoia. I feel good and full, purged of all the bad thoughts that plagued me during the past year. I LOVE CAMBRIDGE and I can't say it enough. I want to immerse myself here a little longer...be a full-time grad student here. And this little glimpse into a fully liberating experience has whet my appetite...as much as I find that phrase unpalatable.

The 4 weeks have felt more like a year because of my familiarity with all the little shops, ice cream parlors, the British accent (it sounds like how English is supposed to sound...I'll give them that), the clubs, the pubs, the croquet rules (haha this took the longest to figure out I'm afraid). Everything is so close - all within walking distance. Everything I need is right there - ATMs, food, bars, Trailer of Life. I feel spoiled and that's how home is supposed to feel. Back at my real home, on the other hand, everything is so unavailable. I'm not allowed to leave without telling one of my parents to drive me, and that's if they feel like it. I'm not inclined to leave because of the shitty neighborhood my parents have decided to plant themselves in for the period of the neverending recession. My parents hate the new. They hate the exciting. They hate everything that the ADHD child in me yearns for and I feel like a caged animal, losing the struggle, and losing hope in escape.

I've only reflected on this and came to this realization today as I frantically type away during one of the few breaks I get to catch up on Facebook. I'm basically writing to make up for my lack of reporting to the web confessional for my daily musings. What can I say, I have had little time to spare. I'm making the most of it right now. And in a week I'll be back on a plane to L.A. ready to stare my "home" down, and proclaim my emancipation, give them the ol' "you don't own me." A break is all I needed, but I'm so glad I'm going to have another one soon after I get back.

Luckily, I'm off to China 4 days after I get back. My birthplace and a real home away from...hell. My grandparents are beyond amazing individuals. I respect them in every way for what they've done, what they still do, what they teach me on a daily basis. I feel like my parents have blurred the lines between the role of a parent and friend, and have made it extremely difficult for me to consult them as either one. They've disowned me, disrespected me in public, insulted my character, insulted my appearance, psychologically and physically hurt me, done everything a parent isn't supposed to do, and I figure, if they are capable of all that and had me think I deserved it throughout my childhood, they do not deserve respect. They've been childish and selfish, and sacrifice has never been their priority, so I have learned to return the favor.

At the end of this long, sort of sad, sort of happy confession, I'm off to eat a lovely dinner, followed by a celebration of completing my last paper! Ready for some Rev tossers (Monday night BOGOF special) and some Fez or Soultree clubbing. I love life as it is right now and I'm dreading the day when things go back to the way they were.

Future post: Grad school apps to Cambridge! I'm gonna work my butt off to do what I've always wanted to do. And after 8 years of searching, I think I've finally found it.

Fingers crossed. Jumping in.

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Pre-departure RAMPAGE

Can't.stop.retail.addiction!! It started off being therapy, turned into habit, and now..I've created a monster.

Last night, I scrambled to make a list of necessary items for my UK adventure.

It consisted of:
clothes, clothes, and oh wait, MORE CLOTHES!

Here is a small sampling: Flair cross-over smock-looking black jacket, white shorts, gladiator heels, conservative dress (haha it concerns me that I don't have one yet), cardigan (since someone stole mine, sad day), a black clutch (I lost mine..or maybe someone stole it..either way, sadface), and the list goes on.

Me and mother went shop-hopping today.

Here's my photo-less haul: 7 VS lipglosses (who can say no to Semi-Annual sale!!) and a brush pouch thingy, 2 A&F shorts (best $70 ever spent...because my mom freaked the fuck out), Forever21 Heritage dress in plaid (Brits like plaid right?? haha)

Aside: Going to Abercrombie, I was reminded of the months I spent slaving away at the hands of that greedy corporate giant as a "model"...lol what a joke. The greeting by an expressionless tall preppy boy (non-Caucasian, of course, because they are required by law to exude "diversity"); the lack of salespeople on the floor; the stolid faces of "I'm too cool for school" community college kids who settle for minimum-wage; the blaring of techno music; the disregard for fitting room attendance. Ahhh good memories.

Tomorrow, there's more damage to be done. A trip to Ross (for a restockage of my Burberry the Beat at an unmentionable price, and for shoes perhaps? *excitely*), another Abercrombie run for a cutesie jacket that was out of stock today, and a large piece of luggage to handle my wardrobe slash serve as potential souvenir storage.

Don't mess with me! I'm going to haul ass!

OTHER TO DOs: internship, host sibling, change webbie, call Krista (I believe that's her name?) etc. I like how my blog is now my to-do list. I heart lists.

Sidenote: Where did I hear this??? "Who is this ily bitch and why is she all over your wall".. I don't know if it's Dane Cook or How I Met Your Mother or WHAT! If you have any idea, please clue me in in the comments.

signed,
F

(P.S. I know, how lame and Gossip Girl of me, but WHATEVS. GG ftw)

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I'd Love Me Some Crumpets

Post-"seeing people graduate" depression: That should have been me. It could have been me, if I had chosen to walk this year. This is what Dr. Phil would call a quarter-life crisis. These past few days, I've been feeling like a ton of bricks LITERALLY crushed me under it's unbearable weight, when I should have been celebrating the end of the school year. This sudden torment made me start dissecting and analyzing other inadequacies..a natural tendency gone so completely wrong, and all explanations aside...

I need a push in the right direction. Preferably, a big hi-yah and I'm flying across the country.

I got that today. In the form of a blogger named Cheri. Her energy, her no-holds-barred attitude, her spunk, made me realize that I have been choking that girl inside of me. Keeping myself proper, polite, acceptable was my way of pleasing people. But I'm fucking sick of being someone I hate. I'd rather have people hate me.

She recently commented:
"Fuck those negative losers.
If you want to have a constantly positive attitude and surround yourself with only like-minded people? Just DO IT. Be the change you want to see in the world! Who gives a fuck? It's never too late to turn your world around and be the person that you've always wanted to be.

Those who MIND don't matter, and those who matter? DON'T MIND."

I'm done surrounding myself with fucked up people who are looking out for themselves and only themselves.

It's time for a change. Maybe a new haircut haha...but no thanks (cutting your own hair is dangerous as I've learned the hard way). Oh here's one:

In less than 4 days, I'll be in England!! Suddenly, heart pounding, blood rushing..I'm seriously ready to get out of this 5 by 5 cell.. (ughh...that reminds of that J-Lo movie). I'll be posting my inspirations and random tidbits so expect frequent updates. Maybe I'll even start twittering again after my 5 failed attempts at liking it. hahhaaha

This opportunity to relieve my suffocation..it feels like Redbull has just given me wings. LOLOL. I may do some pirouettes in my kitchen right now. :)

But instead, I'll watch some more Justin Nozuka videos.

I'm in a weird mood what can I say...


He's going to be in England the same time I'm going!! I'm thinking about train-riding it to see him. When in Rome (or in the "general" vicinity)! That's the way I see it.

EDIT: His tickets SOLD OUT when I was about to buy them today! What the flying F*********!!
I was on such a high last night watching all his Youtube videos and now THIS?! He's seriously missin out!

Lol..I'm liking this Cheri-inspired attitude.

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Melodies

I've loved music more than anything in the world since I was old enough to sing along to "Edelweiss". It has been the unconditional friend/punching bag through all my ups and downs.

But recently, I have left for dead all of the originality that makes me love music so much (like I'm living to the beat of a soundtrack).

So I look to Pandora...my dear forgotten friend. At the touch of an iPhone app button, I'm brought back to the good ol' days..when music came from the soul.

Chill/Sleep music
Missy Higgins - Warm Whispers
Norah Jones - Turn Me On

Fun/Dance Music (mostly new)
The Cab - Disturbia (Rihanna Cover)
The Cab - That 70's Song
Kelly Clarkson - Longshot
From my iPhone while I was listening to Longshot--- Longshot by Nevertheless

Check them out..let me know what you think..and if you are equally ashamed of the music that's out there today. I leave you with a prime example of the originality deficit slash repetitive nature of current pop. Too bad it's annoyingly catchy.

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My Favorite Actor's U.S. Debut

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It's BAaaack

MAY 21st SYTYCD SEASON 5

This is the best day. of my. week...

haha

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Obey your thirst

For your visual thirst:
http://mocoloco.com
http://www.yankodesign.com
http://ifitshipitshere.blogspot.com
http://www.designspotter.com

I feel that design is pure, uncontainable inspiration. It brings animation to life. It simplifies and complicates in one fell swoop. It grounds me and lifts me far beyond my dreams. Maybe....just maybe I will work for Google one day, and that day will be magical.

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Poor R'US

I've always envisioned studying as being a natural process where the words and ideas just LEAP from the page, glide through my neurotransmitters, and fuse perfectly into the right receptors. Ugh. If only it were so easy. These days, studying is more a chore than a labor of genuine intellectual love.

Only by reading things I truly enjoy, am I pulled out of a mechanical trance. It's this shocking jolt of "reader-confidence" that reaffirms my learning prowess. It signals my mind to lift the floodgates so that the rush of knowledge can finally flow freely in.

Word of the day: IMPREGNATE
It's meaningful and applicable to so many forms of life.

Sure, the literal definition is kind of unpalatable. Have you SEEN Knocked Up?? Ugh...

But in a poetic sense. I see new life...new ideas....Obama... haha



...awkward way of transitioning to my point: America needs to stop letting China beat their/our (I'm confused) ass and taking taxpayers' hard-earned money to spend on pulling other people out of their political unrest when there are so many DAMNED problems within our own borders..aka education!(I can't get into my public university classes because of budget cuts!) healthcare! (what happened to the universal healthcare that was once promised??!), and a deteriorating job market inherited by the fresh-out-of-college generation including me!

I'm sick of the verbal backwash from political pundits who are all talk and no action. It's time for a revolution.

First a repeal of the CA state sales tax increase from 8.25% to 9.25%. Did you know that at CA already the highest state sales tax rate before the increase?? California budget crisis, my a**. That is your fault Mr. Schwarzenator for signing the us into further debt! I already feel ripped off every time I buy Pinkberry, but now, it is a serious felony! No more Pinkberry or any other taxable goods for me. I'm moving to Delaware (state sales tax=0). Goodbye.
http://www.boe.ca.gov/news/pdf/l212b.pdf

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When Pigs Fly

According the CNN broadcast in front of my eyes, the swine flu is spreading quickly with already 91 confirmed cases in the U.S. alone. I say quarantine anyone that coughs/sneezes. But that's just cruel....



(*COUGH*)(*COUGH*)(*COUGH*) OK..OK, lets just wash our hands and wear SARS masks. Deal?

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Student of the Year

Silence, not even a footstep in the hallway. It's unsettling. While everyone else is out romping away their night at a masquerade party, I'm bedridden...or rather, bookridden. I would have been regaling in the festivities if not for the 3 exams that snuck into my upcoming week. Bitterly abandoned, I'm left to my own devices...and boy, that is dangerous territory.

Let's be honest. I knew procrastination would get the best of me. You are just as terrible, no doubt. If I've caught you in the midst of putting off something urgent, you might as well take a peek at something amusing and make this wasting time thing a bit more worthwhile.

I love Penelope. She's who I aspire to be. Maybe not...but then again, she has a certain spunk..don't you think? Ok..maybe I've watched this too many times.

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Spring is in the Air

and it's teeming with bright, dewy aromas. I'm inspired to wake up, smell the roses, and proceed to wander about aimlessly in an open field.

To mark this momentous occasion (bear with me), for the first time in the history of this blog (not very long but a precedent nonetheless), I'm reviewing some of the newest feminine fragrances of the season and some classic options for those looking for a year-round signature scent. Sorry boys, this one's for the girls.

(BUT HERE ARE SOME OPTIONS FOR MEN: Victoria's Secret Very Sexy (warm and intriguing), Diesel Fuel For Life Pour Homme (serious TAG affect), YSL L'Homme (clean/sophisticated/alluring), Acqua Di Gio (classic), Hugo Boss Pure (hot businessman).


My personal favorite:
Burberry The Beat:

The marketing is fabulous first of all. I'm in awe with Agyness Deyn, she's so femininely pretty but androgynous at the same time. It's really puzzling...anyway..it's such a lively smell. It reminds me of the fun and fabulous European youth culture. I could imagine those who wear it are high class British people who hang out in department stores and eat crumpets all day, but on grungy streetwalking youth, it works to elevate them to the same status. Haha... For the modern, unique girl.

Chanel Coco Mademoiselle & Miss Dior Cherie:


I can't tell the two apart, probably cuz my scent receptors are dead by the time I've spent an hour sampling fragrances at Sephora. These aren't very clean smelling. If an old woman was wearing it, I'd probably gag a little. But on a sunny afternoon in a romantic comedy, this would be how that I imagine the dazzling leading lady would smell. Delicate, warm, and lovable. FYI: Coco Mademoiselle is not sold at Sephora, only dept stores.

Vera Wang Rock Princess:

One word. Licoricy. And it's kind of exotic and musky. Like a sweaty, dirtier version of Lady GaGa. Kind of too woody and smoky for me, but for the right look (aka Lady GaGa wannabe), it could be a match made in rocker heaven.

DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom:

I love this more than words can explain. It smells like an orchard. Especially noticeable are the peach and lychee. If you're not familiar, lychee has a juicy, tropical, honeysuckle smell. It's so fresh you can taste the watery fruit in your mouth. Perfect for the sparkling, bubbly girl.

Michael Kors Bermuda:

Very tropical, beachy. For the adventurous, boho, maxidress-wearin' kind of gal. It reminds me of a Caribbean cruise. Lush and luxurious.

Dolce & Gabbana The One:

Sophisticated and elegant. Perfect evening scent for a classy girl. From what people have said, its slightly spicy/warm/oriental? whatever that means. I don't know if it is signature smell status but it's probably more suitable for glamorous, dressier occasions.

Juicy Couture Viva La Juicy:

Playful and joyous. It reminds me of those sugary sweet scents like ones by Escada but this one has a fresh citrusy kick. It's an everyday girly scent that isn't too overpowering. Like a Jamba Juice Orange Berry Blitz with some Pecan Praline in it. Not too appetizing, but delicious to the nose!

Miss Dior Chérie L'eau:

The spring/summer version of the original scent. It's really clean, fresh smelling. Reminds of me of a luxurious hotel soap. It smells nothing like the original, but it is definitely awe-inspiring. It has strawberry leaves and weird things like caramel popcorn...but let's just say it smells like a glacial spa.

Diesel Fuel For Life:

Sexy. Edgy. But still really fresh and appropriate for the summer. It's definitely on my to-buy list.

Versace Bright Crystal:

For fans of floral scents. Reminds me of a stroll through the park with cherry blossom petals floating off the trees in soft clusters.

Ex-faves:
Ralph Lauren Cool. Bored of it. Kind of soapy and I would much rather smell like a girl than Dial Body Wash.
Gucci Envy Me. Reminds me of cheap, skanky Hollywood. aka Heidi Montag.

I hope that helped. I've spent more hours at Sephora's fragrance wall spraying and sniffing than I can count on one hand. That's saying something...("you're crazy?")...yeah basically.

Good luck with your fragrance search everyone! Remember that memories are linked to the senses. Leave that beautiful lasting impression with a memorable signature scent. I sound like a telemarketer. Ew. But at least I don't smell like one! Haha. Ugh..lame jokes today...it's really unfortunate.

READ ON...

I wrote this first, but realized it was a bit too personal. So here I leave you with an explosion of me.

Emboldened by the warmth and vigor of a new day, I'm rising to new heights. Above the labels, stereotypes, and expectations of the affected drones. I'm unburying the premature grave of a frail breed, to revive this once forgotten dialect. And reaffirm its existence.

Ray Bradbury put my soul back in my body. I've been mourning a frivolous and superficial past for too long, waiting for the day I could fit myself into a shining mold I had invented years ago when I was outwardly happy but was becoming torn apart by my conflicting instincts. It's like trying to fit into a cute tutu of a 5-year-old me. No matter how hard I stretch the fabric, it retracts to its impossibly tiny form. This is not the point. Bradbury showed me, this me..that thinks a lot, dreams a lot, eats a lot, and expects the world to fall into place, should never be stifled by the loveless and greedy. They are the canker sores of the Earth's mouth. The unfeeling servants of a man-made machine. And I'm done with trying to conform and bleed for them.

Thoughts paralyze me again. The only way to banish them is to do only the things I am passionate about. Passion and love are driving me towards this bright destiny I foresee. The mountains that have haunted both my dreams and reality are mere bumps beneath my feet. And it's this new realization, this awakening of my senses that makes me finally react in this way. I'm happy.

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Tofurky

I've never quite understood how they've gotten tofu to taste like meat.

Another relentless day gone by where I've felt like a passive spectator watching as footsteps sped up, time warped, and sound muted. If you don't understand, I guess this is just another one of my peculiarities. As I see a past day in rewind, nothing is spectacular but every passing second breathes. I watch as familiar faces dart passed me, and somehow, restless, anxious, and sometimes awkward moments never expire.

I draw the blinds open and the movements pour in and illuminate as sunlight hits the dust. The people, they move fluidly, and yet stare fixedly through hollow sockets. Life there is painless, yet it shrieks for mercy as it crumbles into the far reaches of my memory. Reveling. It is a magic trick. With a flick of the wand, the thoughts appear and disappear. And with a sigh, all is lost. A broken bungee cord. Nothing left but the empty carcass of a day passed away.

-Fiona
-----
So you might be wondering wtf I'm blabbering about. It's elementary my dear. Ray Bradbury has again Kung-Fu Hustled his way into my reading list. As I browsed the bookstore today, his book "We'll Always Have Paris" alighted like some divine gift. I caught it with my eyes. Oh how I devoured the words, as hungrily as the lions in "The Veldt".

He paints. Like an artist, he lets different angles refract the light off his prose. He's a poet, using not verbosity and fancy frills to create imagery, but rather letting the perfect, comfortable words ebb and flow around the reader like an unimposing wind. A storyteller and a magician, his quick wit and spot-on timing create the most satisfying plotlines. Almost too effortlessly, he introduces shock-inducing twists that no other author could ever pull off. Move over Shakespeare, HE is my literary idol. I can only dream that one day my words will be as consistently exhilarating to read as they are for me to write, and I can only hope to one day have the complete grasp of the English language that allows him to express freely and honesty, the reality that only Bradbury can bring to something as unfathomable as aliens and moving illustrations.

Now if only he could solve the mystery of Tofurky, he'd be a god. Then again, in my book he's already there.

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A CURE!

So the past few weeks, which have seemed more like an eternity, are going to end right here. Why?

Because I'm choosing to stop thinking negatively. Yessireebob. Ok Bob, get it straight, I have been stuck in this "toilet paper tube"-like prison for way too long. Thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel ahead and behind me but feeling like I'm limited to the airspace of a mouse. My lungs can't handle it. I'm ready for change, Obama slash Tyra slash Tyra talking about Obama.

This is it.

Get ready for a revamped blog and blogger.

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Cynical Cindy

I have so much love that I want to share (affection for babies, for animals, for humanity). But too bad all of this vigor for life's simple joys is stifled under a thick, fossilized layer of distrust and frustration. It's such a shame, that even I, the maker of this conundrum, is left tsk-ing scornfully at my pitiable confusion. The same goes for interactions with the opposite sex. So much expectation and readiness. But too many reservations. I can only offer one explanation for this complicated misunderstanding, one of the literary gems of our time, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. It's from this masterpiece that I learned the EXTENT to which some men objectify women, thereby solidifying my belief that chivalry, along with decent monogamous men, is extinct. Maybe this Tucker Max guy is the exception. Though from my first hand account of fraternity boys, I highly doubt that. Maybe I ruined it for myself. The nights that seemed like "story of Britney Spears' life". The trying to be something I'm not hoping that one day the suit would finally fit. It finally makes sense. I've been looking in all the wrong places for happiness. And working out problems at home is probably the best and first step I'm taking to figure out a new direction.

So here I am. On spring break, faced with an insufferable task. Spending much needed time to reconnect with a mother who had disowned me. Trying desperately not to be disgusted by a father whose image is tainted by horrible childhood memories. And praying for my ailing grandparents. It pains me to think about them. I'm so afraid to call them while their in the hospital because I'm not ready to think about what might happen. But at the same time I'm compelled by this feeling that it might be too late when I eventually build up the nerve to.

I fear the worst. I expect the worst in everybody. I know this and I want so much to be like my dopey positive thinking father. And it baffles me that I'm getting so overwhelmed by such trivial little things such as calling my grandparents or calling back a missed call that I don't recognize. Or anything that would put me at risk. It's this uncertainty that I should be thriving off of, that had at one time been addicting to me. Now, it's different. I'm investing less in people and the consequences of a fearless me of 2 years ago come back to haunt me. Right now I'm just trying to make things okay. And tomorrow, the Magic Kingdom may just be the antidote.


You know how people read fmylife.com and start to feel better about themselves. Not even others' embarrassing stories crack a grin on my face anymore. MAY DAY MAY DAY.

What I'm feelin: Belief (live). Gavin Degraw. "tonight you arrested my mind when you came to my defense. With a knife in the shape of your mouth. In the form of your body. With the wrath of a God." that was all from memory. Yes I love Gavin Degraw almost as much as I love puppies.

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To my one devoted reader

Haha. Thanks for commenting on my last post whoever you are. Although this blog is mainly a very one-sided (not one-dimensional mind you) conversation with the the screen before me, I jump at the chance to interact with my viewer(s). It's nice to know I'm not just some temperamental primate, running a muck in its cage, garbling nonsense to unsuspecting passers-by. I, moonlighting as a poet, playwright, may be considered the laughing stock of buffoonery. Or maybe I come off as a boozer, confused and delirious. But whatever the case, I do it out of love for life's less glamorous occasions, the unsentimental empty moments that drag until the wee hours. And here, I get to expound all my wishes and wonders, and in return, I get this wonderful feeling like when you use that Mint Julep mask on your pores. It's refreshing, cleansing, happy-making, but I digress.

The reason for this post is not really of real moral value, so if you're looking for a jolt of philosophical wisdom, come tomorrow please. It's more a study break or rather study distraction kind of post, with no direction, conclusion of any kind. But here is my mind map of the moment if you'll have it:

EAP deadline February 12. If I want to go to England, I better get off my arse, and do the bloody thing.
That 99 cent store energy shot did nothing but make one eye stop drooping.
Globalization theories are unsatisfying. As abstract as a Newman painting, but with none of the aesthetic quality that makes me want to put it up on my bedroom wall and stare at it before I fall asleep
That empty piano bench that is one giant leap away. I gravitate towards it. But physically constricted, I sink right back into the gingham, amongst an agglomeration of scattered books, course readers, printed readings, and unnatural supplements that supposedly make you think you can finish them all in one sitting.
Public relations. It's my job. I must sell things, people, events, ideas. I have 10 tabs of public relations ideas. Care to join me in this madness???

And with such a labyrinth of joy and sweet surprises, it's a wonder why I seek refuge in the little orange B on my bookmarks toolbar. It's just one more tab. One more hour wasted..or rather redistributed for the purpose of making better latent judgments...or not. As my computer slowly emits it husky whir, and my palms start to feel like their molded into the scalding keyboard hand-rest, I begin to think, maybe I should stop typing and start studying, like sensible folk do.

So taking my own advice, I'm off to revel in midterm bliss. Haha. Aren't we all comedians?

By the way, for any poli-scientist out there...what is this Obama stimulus package going to do to us financially?! Seems kind of counter-productive if you ask me. Of course, I'm not the most viable candidate for political debate. CNN hasn't been my preferred choice of programming since the summer months, when I was a gym-crazed political juggernaut.

Explanation: Since Obama became our nation's number one go-to guy, I've relinquished my haughty criticism of the demoralized U.S. political system. I trust this man, almost as much as I trust that there is chicken in chicken nuggets (not according to Ken Robinson, but he's British, lol).

ad astra per alia porci..a la Steinbeck. I love Latin-isms, they add that Sriracha kick to any dull post such as this. :)

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Just be rude

Rock of Love is ridiculous and is the secret to maintaining a healthy ego..haha

But from the looks of that gem of a show, I'd rather be chased down by one of those drunken messes, than be insulted underhandedly by someone I'm close to.

Oftentimes, I'll wonder...is consideration for others so hard? Is it that hard to not talk about something the other person isn't involved or interested in hearing? I guess that is my downfall. I can't get over rude behavior. (For example: rubbing in someone's face that they are taken and I am not.) Frankly, I don't care if I am single or if I'm not, but when a good friend has no consideration to even word the obvious in an un-scathing way, I don't see the point in humoring said friend.

Friends should not compete. And that is that. Maybe in a game of pictionary, ten-fingers, and the like. But if you are downright hostile, mindgames included...you have got to go. Of course, this example is only hypothetical...ahem..

End of storytime.

I've just had a long day that will continue into the night as I watch a sneakpeek of "The Uninvited".

AND Good NEWS!! I've finally received my Salvador Dali 2009 Calendar and my textbook from Barnes & Noble after a week of sitting by my mailbox waiting for a sign (lol, not really).

MOOD (cuz we all like talking about our problems): slightly dizzy from lack of sleep, hungry, holding back rage, but hopeful for better things to come.

Signed,
"Praying for stupidity to offset the scariness of 'The Uninvited'"

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Sir Ken Robinson, my hero

nuff said.

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Happy Real New Year

"Holy smokes! What?!" you may scream in disbelief. Well, young grasshopper, I believe in the Lunar New Year that Emperor Huang Ti introduced in 2600 BC. Just kidding..I'm a lazy American. I prefer to save the mental marathon of calculating the "actual year" and would rather comply with the mooing masses over arguing for tradition any day. But by golly, I'm excited for this holiday of firecrackers, yummy food, and last but not least red pouches (though I never seem to get more than $20 all together..*grumble* stingy relatives...just kidding Auntie Penny!).

And this year, it's my Mother's year...the year of the ox..how did my ancestors know?!! It's befitting.

This year, just like every other year, holidays signify disaster in my fam. Me, bitter and senile? But that's what you get when your parents cleverly switch personality roles just as soon as the ripe ol' age of 20 dawns on you (reminiscent of being crushed by a cartoon anvil); and a mature, intelligent conversation is seemingly a foreign concept to people you once trusted would guide you and be unconditionally loving.

But arguing with "childish" rents won't get me anywhere. I'll leave it up to the Fates to deal with them. Whatever. New year's resolution: (plain and simple, since specifics and perfectionism lead to nowhere: more me = less other crap = less stress....in a nutshell, don't sweat the petty things..and needless to say, don't pet the sweaty things...(like me after I work out)..ok bad visual, excuse me.

I must of course introduce my new plan for world domination (Brain) while staying an amiable free spirit (Pinky): daily gyming. It's been the solution so far.

When grades were bad, relationships seemed fickle and transparent, and almost everything didn't go my way, I sat through it, bearing the torrential blows with clenched teeth and fists..weathering the storm that seemed to get bigger and bolder. But now, as I open my eyes and slowly blink away the blinding unfamiliarity..I see all of it has been the product of childish invention, I'm no longer stupid enough to sit around and take it. As disciplined as a rottweiler standing guard, I may have obeyed..but who in their right mind willingly takes pain, when there is no gain at the end of the rainbow, or per se, at the end of the rainstorm??

The WAVE MACHINE...that holy grail of calorie-crunching. I have found it to be the best part of my day, and am proud to say, me and it have been going on 2 weeks strong and counting. Bad test score, sweat it away! Argument with unfriendly personnel, higher resistance! It's the remedy I've been waiting so long for, and finally, it's helped me regain an ounce of sanity that I so dearly yearned for.

I now leave you with a performance...not by me..huha ahemm I'm not attempting to overcome stage-fright quite yet. But some Disney songs never hurt anyone.


Have a great week!..there's so much I want to say, but so little capacity to hold the attention of a 1 person audience.

So,..later outergator (haha as little 3 year old Alexis (from Jon & Kate) would say ;D).

and congrats to the inauguration of another year-of-the-ox baby: OUR NEW PREZ BARACK OBAMA..holla!

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