Cynical Cindy

I have so much love that I want to share (affection for babies, for animals, for humanity). But too bad all of this vigor for life's simple joys is stifled under a thick, fossilized layer of distrust and frustration. It's such a shame, that even I, the maker of this conundrum, is left tsk-ing scornfully at my pitiable confusion. The same goes for interactions with the opposite sex. So much expectation and readiness. But too many reservations. I can only offer one explanation for this complicated misunderstanding, one of the literary gems of our time, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. It's from this masterpiece that I learned the EXTENT to which some men objectify women, thereby solidifying my belief that chivalry, along with decent monogamous men, is extinct. Maybe this Tucker Max guy is the exception. Though from my first hand account of fraternity boys, I highly doubt that. Maybe I ruined it for myself. The nights that seemed like "story of Britney Spears' life". The trying to be something I'm not hoping that one day the suit would finally fit. It finally makes sense. I've been looking in all the wrong places for happiness. And working out problems at home is probably the best and first step I'm taking to figure out a new direction.

So here I am. On spring break, faced with an insufferable task. Spending much needed time to reconnect with a mother who had disowned me. Trying desperately not to be disgusted by a father whose image is tainted by horrible childhood memories. And praying for my ailing grandparents. It pains me to think about them. I'm so afraid to call them while their in the hospital because I'm not ready to think about what might happen. But at the same time I'm compelled by this feeling that it might be too late when I eventually build up the nerve to.

I fear the worst. I expect the worst in everybody. I know this and I want so much to be like my dopey positive thinking father. And it baffles me that I'm getting so overwhelmed by such trivial little things such as calling my grandparents or calling back a missed call that I don't recognize. Or anything that would put me at risk. It's this uncertainty that I should be thriving off of, that had at one time been addicting to me. Now, it's different. I'm investing less in people and the consequences of a fearless me of 2 years ago come back to haunt me. Right now I'm just trying to make things okay. And tomorrow, the Magic Kingdom may just be the antidote.


You know how people read fmylife.com and start to feel better about themselves. Not even others' embarrassing stories crack a grin on my face anymore. MAY DAY MAY DAY.

What I'm feelin: Belief (live). Gavin Degraw. "tonight you arrested my mind when you came to my defense. With a knife in the shape of your mouth. In the form of your body. With the wrath of a God." that was all from memory. Yes I love Gavin Degraw almost as much as I love puppies.

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